Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
