Four minutes until I can fart!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
