remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
