wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
