You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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