May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
