I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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