I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
are you so shy because you have an std?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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