I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
