They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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