I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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