i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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