Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
