bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
