That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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