she looked like the before picture.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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