Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Drake has all the answers
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
