What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
