Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
