I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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