I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
