she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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