There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
