I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
