Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My ass is underappreciated
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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