Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
