when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
