My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
