At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
