I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
