My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
