i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
