Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
