...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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