So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
