I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
