Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
