I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
