i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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