i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
