My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
