I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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