If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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