When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I deserve to be covered in dicks
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
