Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
