70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I believe in your delicious
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
