i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
