I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
