I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
