I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
