so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
